Mercy, bend and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die.
The entire song seems to swallow me. I listen to each verse and think Amen! Audrey Assad sings about all these ways she is willing for God to use her and to glorify Himself. But then she sings, "But for now just..." let me cry/ let me lie/ let me be/ stay with me.
The part that really gets me, though, is the part I wrote up above. Oh, how I long to be bent and breathed back to life! That's why i'm "back," right? To journey down the path of Life. I want life in my mind, life in my heart, life from the tippy-toppy-est hair on my head to the last cell on the longest toe on my foot (which, on my right foot, happens to be my third toe). And I don't want it for purely selfish reasons either. I know that when life possesses me like that, those I love and serve will be blessed! But that's obvious, isn't it? Remember, I'm not talking about perfection here. I'm not talking about never feeling down or disappointed or angry or like I just need everyone to go away...because I will always have moments like that. I'm an introverted intuitive feeler perceiver.
But even in those moments, I want to retreat into the peace and rest of a soul fully alive. I want to surrender whatever it is I'm fiercely (and selfishly) holding onto. I want to feel the presence of my Abba and hear His voice. I want to have clarity. Is that at least a tiny piece of what life looks like?
The song, though, doesn't stop with Audrey's plea for mercy to breathe her back to life. It's the last line that socks me in the stomach: "But not before You show me how to die." There it is! Death and life just cannot be separated. We cannot have one without the other. Courtney, you cannot have the one without the other. You, my dear, must let go. Surrender. Embrace the truth that Life looks differently now. It includes people. People you love! It includes happenings you can't control and some you don't like. You are still you, but you. are. different. Stop fighting. Let what must die...die. Fear not. On the other side of death is Life to the full.