Not what i thought.

It's been a year. Apparently I have a problem with perseverance and continuing what I start. Frankly, that's always been my problem. And just as frankly, I am not returning to this blog out of guilt or a need to "right" the situation. I am returning out of pure necessity. I ignorantly thought (foolishly thought?) all my little quackers were lining up in a row. This past year was going to be new...transformative...life-giving. We were moving on, turning over a page, starting a-fresh. Silly girl, when will you learn? You, my dear, are not like THEM. You can't do it all and be it all. You can't "just push through." You can't give like crazy without having serious time to ponder and reflect and create and be [end of self-confrontation].

I ache to be the kind of wife/mom/friend/teacher/etc. who breathes beauty and life and creativity into my children, into my world. I thought it would just come naturally. But this is the truth: I don't ooze Life like that on my own. I sure as heck have the capacity, but the actual STUFF doesn't have its origin in me. I do not hold an unending reservoir of beauty, life, and creativity. What flows out of me is as unique as I am; it's just not conceived by me.

So... I am back. Back to figure out what I need to be fully ALIVE. Back to grow in the beautiful fertilizer of the past that God has given me; to get to a place of thriving. There is just no way my children will experience the love and beauty and creativity and freedom and joy and authenticity and courage and honesty and adventure and generosity and winsomeness and LIFE that I desire for them unless I am alive. I want to figure out who they are, how they were created by the Creator, and give them a place to breathe and flourish. It starts with me. Thank God (thank God!) I don't have to be perfect in order to do this. We'd be doomed! Thank God that His Light shines through my cracks. Thank God that grace is abundant and forgiveness is foundational. Thank God I'm not alone.

What's my plan? Oh...you know.... it's in the non-verbal stage, swirling around in pictures, abstracts, and feelings. But something is forming. It won't be a 3-step process or even a 12-step process. In fact, it probably won't include steps. I don't like steps. I like paths. And the best paths are the kind where you're not quite sure where they'll end up... but the scenery is refreshing.

So, like I said, I'm back (whatever that means), and I'm beginning a journey (wherever it leads). To God be the glory.